Breakdowns are necessary. I believe they are a natural part of the human process. At least they are a part of my natural human process. I tried to deny this side of me for along time. I was living the persona that I had it all together all the time. Always organized, always happy, always together. Is that even possible? I broke under the pressure of that persona. For me it wasn’t a hospitalization, an illness or an addiction but it was a depression and it rocked my world. The hardest part was admitting it to myself.
After a visit to my doctor and a prescription of mild anti-depressant I chalked it up to some bad brain chemistry and went back about my business of having it all together all the time. For a while.
I found myself flat and moving through my life with little passion or energy. Blaming again bad brain chemistry I switched to a different medication … and I woke up. For the first time in a long time I was feeling real and that led to real breakdown my spirit was looking for. This time I trusted the emotion, found a GREAT therapist (named Hope), relied on my dear friends and began the real work.
Part of that journey is honoring the breakdown-and-build-up cycle.
Despite my best attempts things aren’t always in my control. Old Kimberly (that is what my friend named the me prior to BLV), I would bury sadness, anger, hurt and frustration. I avoided meaningful conflict. I hid the “ugly” feelings from myself and from others. This backed up on me and it hurt my relationships. New Kimberly has the breakdown, sometimes in small doses and sometimes in big ones. I don’t mean to say I fall into hysteria or inappropriate behavior. But I do feel the emotion, have the cry. Then I’m ready for the Building Up.
Now I have the ability to see things more clearly. I sort through and find the meaningful parts of the breakdown. The situation becomes clear and 
not clouded in emotion. I can find solutions, I can get over it. Critical to this process is having the conversation, honoring the relationship, and focusing forward on solutions. Amazing things can be achieved through the right conversation at the right time.
I admit, outward emotion isn’t for everyone, but I do believe this applies to all of us. Regardless of how you demonstrate your emotions you are having them. Since you are having them, you might as well use them productively. Personal Mastery is knowing your reality, living it and building the life you want from it.
By having the breakdown, by honoring my feelings and by unpacking them towards positive resolution, I free up room in my life for the wonderful emotions. The joy, the passion, the love that I cherish for myself and for the people in my life.
Sound familiar to you? How do you deal with the ebbs and flows of your emotions?
At a conference today and a great “clearing” statement was shared. If you need a practice to help clear the emotion and bad thoughts here is something to use: “what’s in the background for me is ______ and the emotion around that is _________ and I’m going to set that aside for the next (fill in time period).
In your most recent post you speak of inspiration, and for me inspiration comes from people who live bravely and in vulnerability; like you and the woman who post on this site. I am working to come out of what has been a very confusing and scary emotional state. I felt that my life seemed to be about constant loss…of parents, husband, friends, houses, status, financial security, jobs, and finally the last draw, loss of time (when you get to an age where you can literally calculate your life expectancy in months, it’s a hard day). So, living in fear that I would make yet another wrong decision and let myself and the people I love down, and then no longer have the luxury of time to recover was overwhelming. I fell into a state of depression and self-pity, which emotionally paralyzed me for months. Then one day I heard these words in a song “what keeps us in place is fear of what has already changed.”
My life isn’t about loss it is about accepting change, living in gratitude, and moving past my ego around how important I am to others around me (getting over myself). So I am stepping into BRAVE because of the inspiration from the incredible women in my life!
Rosa – Thank you for sharing. Simply beautiful. You are BRAVE and I’m happy you see it!
As you know, I am breaking down. There, I said it. I look anywhere I can for inspiration when I’m in this state and found this wonderful statement from Rob Brezsny in my horoscope this week: Give the majority of your energy and time and money to the young and innocent parts of your life. Devote less attention to the older and more mature aspects. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you need to care intently for what’s growing most vigorously.
Growing most vigorously seems a perfect match for Vision and Personal Mastery.
https://www.facebook.com/rob.brezsny?fref=ts
Pamela – I did not know you were breaking down, but thank you for sharing. You are keeping it all together nicely. Honoring the young and innocent parts of your life make me smile. It reminds me of my post about my sons:
http://www.biglifevision.com/vision-and-teenage-sons/
we all grow up too fast. As for your breakdown, honor it and if there is anything I can do for you don’t hesitate to ask.
Kimberly–I love this post! Thanks for modeling the way you have embraced your emotional life so beautifully. I can relate to the way you described your “always have it together persona”, as I’ve often felt like the duck that appears to be gliding along on the surface, but no one really sees all the paddling and struggling happening under the surface. It takes awareness and mindful practice to feel our feelings, accept them, and use them non- judgmentally as signals. I’ve often admired my silly dogs around the way they honor their emotional lives, especially the “ugly” feelings–if, for example, the vacuum cleaner is near, they are afraid of it until it is out of the room. They don’t tell themselves to act unafraid or to pretend that all is well when they don’t actually feel safe or ok. Now, I’m not afraid of the vacuum, but I do admire their honest response!
Holly – your analogy about dogs is brilliant – especially for a dog lover like me. Check out tomorrow’s post on FB or Linkedin or Twitter (or all three). Also really loving the picture of the duck with the frantic feet – I feel like that more days than I would like to admit. Thank you for the insightful comments – feel them coming.
Awhile back, as I was on the up swing from a breakdown, I was telling a short version of the story to a neighbor I have developed a great friendship with. With eyes wide, and jaw dropped she said, “eh? Fish, I’ve always thought you had it all together – you are superwoman.” I said, “well – don’t get me wrong, I have superwoman moments, as do you – but I don’t always have it all together.” I felt sooo good sharing that with her – almost giggly.
Oh man, I love a good breakdown. While I don’t recall being formally taught not to show emotions, it was implied and that is what we did growing up. In true Fish fashion, I threw myself to the other side of the spectrum and embraced the breakdowns- like a good juice cleanse, I feel clean, lighter, free. While we have a long way to go, there is a slight shift in society. The tide is turning and we are becoming a little more aware and keen to the importance of mental and emotional health and the impact is has on us, each other and the world. A lot needs to be done and conversations like this are important.
I read on Huffington Post recently that step one is “Declaring the Breakdown.” And – for me, that was the hardest thing to do. It takes a lot to admit to oneself and others that “I don’t have it all together.” For me, this connects to your previous post about friendships – we don’t have to declare our breakdown publicly or on FB, but declaring a breakdown to a friend, just one friend gets me through the other side of a hearty breakdown.
Thank you for sharing Fish. The article on Huffington Post was a great one – here it is for anyone interested:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-judith-rich/emotional-wellness_b_1398375.html
A trusted friend can always help me through my “time out” and get back on track. Maybe we should institute adult timeouts – why do only kiddos get that moment to breakdown and come out ready to move on?
I love it! Time outs and naps- why do we reserve these for kids only……
Thank you Angie. A lot of people I know have physical reactions when they bottle it up, me included. There is a lot of research about the long term effects on health and wellness. As for “old Kimberly” she lived in pockets of my life – not everywhere I showed up. That was part of my challenge, connecting all the parts of my life.
Love this post. I personally feel it coming on and if I don’t let it out, then I physically react….migrane, sickness, rage. If I can just get to a good cry, all of a sudden everything seems once again manageable, meaningful, and all the petty stuff dissapears. Having never known “Old Kimberly” I cannot imagine you any other way and am grateful for that in you now!