BigLifeLove Manifesto

As my children are getting older and starting to experience first romantic love, that first emotional and physical connection, that first everything, I keep thinking about what I want them to know about love. What are lessons I learned through experience or observation that I hope they remember when approaching this part of their life. My BigLifeLove Manifesto (so to speak). Over cocktails I was rattling off about this and my friends both encouraged my thinking and for me to write about it….so here I go. Thanks ladies – you are the best!

You have to love yourself to be loved and to love.

I don’t think you can love someone any more than you love yourself. To love others, you have to love yourself. Love is a vulnerable thing, to truly lean into it and to give it you have to know and love who you are! When it’s out of balance, your relationship will be too.

Love is a VERB.

That’s right, it’s action. It’s not enough to just feel it, you have to demonstrate it. Knowing what is important to you and articulating it is important. Knowing what is important to your beloved then demonstrating it is also crucial. When you live LOVE as a verb everyone around you feels it!

BigLifeLove supports your BigLife.

Love is not about sacrifice, yours or theirs. Being a loving and good partner does not mean sacrificing the things that are important to you.  And if they love you, they wouldn’t ask such a sacrifice. This goes both ways. I’m not talking about the way the toilet paper rolls or the size of your bed. I am talking about intimacy, companionship, conversation, community, activity, livelihood. At times this will be heartbreaking because it will mean the end of the relationship, but in the long run, that’s ok too. The big stuff is too important to sacrifice.

Don’t be mean to each other, ever….

…especially out of spite or anger. Arguments happen, yes, but they can be productive and thoughtful without being mean or hurtful. Anger and angry words, mean-ness and mean words for the sake of someone feeling superior or like they won do not serve love, they end it.

Ask for what you need.

Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and need, in all ways. Physically, mentally, emotionally, socially…if you can’t be yourself and express what you need you aren’t all in.  If they shut you down, refuse or dismiss your needs they aren’t in for you. This goes both ways, also. This is a big one.

Trust your trusted advisors.

Your family and friends are important mirrors and validators in life. If they have alarm bells it’s worth pausing to seek understanding. They see things you can’t when you are in deep. You’ve trusted them to this point, a new love shouldn’t change that. Also – anyone who asks you to leave your family and friends behind IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU. At the very least they should respect who your loved family and friends are, if not add them to their list of family and friends too.

You can’t fundamentally change someone. The one you love has flaws as well as strengths, you have love them both. You have flaws and strengths, they need to love you for both. The things that bother you today will still bother you in 5, 10, 15 years. You can’t change someone and you’ll waste time and energy trying.

Passion is important. Sex is important. Intimacy is important.

It’s isn’t everything, but sex is as important as your need for it. When the need for sex, for passion, for intimacy is one sided, the relationship will eventually fail, one way or another.

Did I mention passion and sex? Love only fueled by passion will burn bright, be lots of fun and fade. Love built only on companionship might be fine for some, but for others it will leave them wanting. In my experience, love built with passion and companionship will evolve and burn long and glorious. I hope you have at least one passion-fueled relationship in life, there is a lot to learn. For the long term,  I hope you find a lasting love that is balanced with great sex, intimacy, passion and companionship. There is nothing like it.

Love doesn’t have to last forever. Love doesn’t have to equate to a life-long relationship. Some love stories are short and simple and lovely. Some love stories are epic passionate journeys. Appreciate them for what they are, what you gain from them, what you learn. Don’t linger in a relationship for the sake of what was, it’s not fair to you or them.

Always be honest. This applies to so many parts of life, including love. When you are honest with each other the love and intimacy have a vehicle to exist between you both.  I’m talking about white lies or lies of omission to make someone else feel better. You only hurt yourself. Be honest with yourself and be honest with them, even when it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do.

People see and feel other people’s love – the good and the bad. What kind of love are you putting into the world. What are you sharing with the world? Is it something you are are proud of?

So that’s it, for now.  I don’t pretend this is an exhaustive or even perfect list, but it’s mine and it’s my experience. Today I am lucky enough to have BigLifeLove, I know its value and its worth in my life, just like I know my value and my worth. So this is my BigLifeLove Manifesto. What is yours?